Check out my friend Ashley's blog, she is joining me for this 30 day blogging event. She's an awesome woman. Her blog is www.ashleychristy.blogspot.com

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

One of the many things I regret in my life is that I didn't see my grandpa(my mom's dad) before he died. Also I wasn't there for my grandma or my family at the funeral. It's something that fills me with regret and guilt to this day.

I was living in Germany at the time. My mom had recently been to Ohio to visit her parents and grandpa had a close call but he pulled through. About a week later, I was talking with mom through email and told her I wanted to come home to spend time with him. I gave her some possible dates and asked her if she could go with me during that time. I told my now ex that I needed to go home for awhile. I went to work that day, checked my email when I got home to find an email from my mom that my grandpa had passed away earlier that day.

I checked airfare to come home and it was crazy ridiculous and just wasn't possible for me to make the trip. There is nothing worse that hearing your mom cry and said " I wish you were here with me". Even worse than that is hearing your grandma cry after losing her husband. That completely ripped my heart out.

There was no closure, no goodbye, no nothing. I could hear his voice echoing in my mind. I don't think even today I've dealt with his death or even the death of any of my grandparents. Their was no closure or goodbye in any of their deaths.

My guilt is so bad that I can't bare to face my grandma. I feel like I let her down by not being there. I know that she probably doesn't hold it against me. But I still have so much guilt about it. I think I won't be able to forive myself until I go to his grave.