I can say at this very moment, I have no regrets. I do believe with all of my heart that everything happens for a reason. I'm not saying it wasn't hard or didn't struggle along the way because it was and I did. I know now it was the right thing to do. Leaving him and our beyond toxic marriage was the healthiest thing I could have done for myself. I can't say that if I stayed I would be around to write this today.
I can't say I regret us although at times I thought I did. It wasn't all completely bad. I would have missed out on some truly great friends and experiences I've had. I'm not sure I would be who I am or where I am now if I hadn't been through this.
To my friends and family who watched me go through everything... Thank you for sticking by my side and being my strength when I couldn't find my own.
If I could go back and tell myself anything I'd say this :
This feels all wrong now. You are having doubts and are scared. You wonder "what if....". But this is the right thing. It will be okay. It's going to be hard. Harder than you can imagine. You will need to be strong. There will be days you will question everything. There will be days you want to lie down and give up. You will stand, and you will fall... A lot. But you will pick yourself up. You will find out what you are made of and you will find out who you are. You will be happy, truly happy for maybe the first time ever. You will have fun, laugh harder than you've ever laughed before, live like you haven't lived in such a long time. You will be crazy and silly, laugh & cry. You will make great friends, meet amazing people who will forever change your life. You will look back and have no regrets. You will thank God and somehow find comfort in believing " Everything happens for a reason".
And to him I will say this.....
Thank you. I know that's an odd thing to say to you but it's true, I thank you. Thank you for helping me to find my strength again. Strength I somehow lost along the way. We weren't right and I think we knew it deep down. I'm sorry for the pain we caused each other. I hope you are happy now as I am.
This could have been a page from my own journal (found you via FB Blogger group, btw). I know these feelings very well indeed, having experienced my own difficult breakup a little over a year now. As cliche as it sounds: the expression "time heals all wounds" rings very true and it sounds as though you are in a wonderful place right now. I'm not sure I am to the point where I can thank my ex for teaching me about my own strength, but I hope at some point I will be able to do just the same.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for leaving a toxic situation and allowing yourself the opportunity to find inner peace and happiness all over again. Best wishes to you, and I'm your latest follower :)
Some days I can't believe it has been that long then other days 3.5 years (for me) seems like lifetime ago. I am sure you feel the same. I am so happy for you that you are able to reflect and see you did make the right decision and how much you have grown. You totally rock chica!!
ReplyDeleteI've felt the need to thank someone of that position in my life too. He's deceased...but every now and then, I go there. It took me a while- because he committed suicide...but I have learned to look into what his life was (we had a lot in common) and learn from his mistakes as well as the mistakes of my own that I made while we were together.
ReplyDeleteI am happy you are able to reflect back and see that you did the right thing. Its a hard spot to be in with fear. Your are awesome!
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