I'm not one to trust or to let anyone close to me to get to know the "real" me. But I did. I gave someone my whole heart and before I know it, I'm left with nothing. I believed in things that I once gave up on. I let him in, in ways no one else ever has been. He knows all my thoughts, feelings, and things about me no one else does. He was my best friend and up until recently was the love of my life.
I always believed that everything happens for a reason. I believed that God brought us together for a reason. But struggle to understand why this happened. It's not like we had a bad relationship. In fact, we had a very good/great relationship. Makes sense, right? We were the couple, you'd want to be. We rarely argued or fought, we communicated, we laughed, we loved. I still don't understand how we got to this point. It's not for lack of love. We both still love each other. We care about each other. But other things recently infiltrated our relationship. Things I never thought we'd have to deal with. I ended the relationship. One of the hardest things, I've had to do recently. I've lost my love and my best friend.
He's not the person I fell in love with. That person in buried somewhere in there. But he is on a crash course and I can't be a part of that. I can just pray. And I pray everyday. I pray for God to keep him safe and to show him that he doesn't need the drugs or alcohol.
The hardest part in this all, is being his friend. I can't let him go just yet. I've tried but my heart won't let me. I can't walk away from 2 years with him. Maybe I will one day. But right now I can't.
I'm linking this post up with:
jumping over from PYHO ...
ReplyDeletethis post was me, 15 years ago. I had just walked away from the guy I'd loved for a huge chunk of my life (most of it secretly and from afar). telling him it was over was the hardest thing I'd ever had to say because I loved him so much.
I knew that if I wanted to help him see his way thru his destructive behavior, I had to do it from a distance. I couldn't be his "love", I had to be his friend. it was the only way I could protect my heart.
it will get easier, you will be able to laugh again, but the "old Marie" has been altered. She has grown a deeper understanding and respect for what love can do to a person.
sending you good thoughts
Aw, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. For me, I can never see the reason why when I'm in a situation. It doesn't become clear until much later. Just have faith that reason exists.
ReplyDelete@ Diane.. Thanks for the good thoughts, they are definitely needed. The transition from being with him to friend, is proving to be much harder than anticipated. But I'm still here for him. I hate that he's going down this road but I know he has to want to change. I don't think he's ready for that just yet.
ReplyDelete@ Shell.. Thanks. Trying to hold onto my faith that there's a reason why this is all happening. I know one day this will all make sense.